Dog poo DNAs - is it helping to cut down on fouling?

In Barking and Dagenham a dog poo DNA test has been running in an attempt to catch the culprits. The two weathermen stepped carefully around the matter.

Weatherman 1 : I saw a film which was talking about swabbing dogs for DNA so that they can catch owners who let their dogs do poos in public places and don’t clear up.

Weatherman 2 : Yes I saw that one. Barking and Dagenham it is – very forward thinking. I applaud their attempt; it costs the council £2.3 million a year to clean up at the moment in that borough alone.  People who don’t own dogs will resent that.

WM1 :  You have to pay £30 for your dog to be analysed and thereafter if they find his poo, you’ve had it – an £80 fine.

WM2 : But it’s no guarantee they will stop it. An owner willingly pays £30 to allow his dog to sit on a database knowing any time a fine can arrive. What’s in it for the owners?

WM1 : I suppose it’s a badge to say you are committed to a cleaner society – the dogs get a green badge to wear.

WM2 : But what if they  throw a stick, Fido runs off, does a quickie behind a tree and returns with stick and self satisfied smile? Next thing they know, an £80 fine drops through the letter box. Fido probably eats it.

WM1 : Part of the idea must be keep fit. The owner throws the stick and runs after the dog, just in case Fido misbehaves.

WM2 : It seems unworkable. If we all had to pay £30 to get our fingerprints taken so we could be eliminated from investigations of burglary – we’d call it an invasion of civil liberties. And how many burglars will volunteer for fingerprinting and DNA tests? They may be criminals, but they are not stupid.

WM1 : If you had a smart green badge you could wear which told society you were law abiding, you might feel better about doing it. It’s a bit like charity – your 50p in the collecting box makes no difference, but it eases your conscience.

WM2 : The key to catching the offenders then is to watch for an absence of green badges. “aha I see your dog is NOT wearing a badge...I’m keeping my eyes on you.”

 WM1 : But when he chucks the stick and you can’t keep up with him and Fido, they are going to get away with it.

WM2:  The council must rely on the stigma attached to not having a badge. No-one likes being judged and if you are badge-less, it’s suspicious.

WM1 : Apparently love is found when you walk a dog in the park. You bump into another dog owner, get chatting about poop scoops and before too long, sticks are being thrown down the wedding aisles.

WM2 : I thought it would be the dogs finding the love. They see a green badge and think “woof woof, she’s got a good owner”

WM1 : They don’t go in for badges, just canine pheromones. No, it’s the humans that look out for attractive badge owners.

WM2 : And no prospective partner is going to be interested if you don’t have a badge. Who wants to marry a street fouler?

 WM1 : The badges therefore become a calling card; green badge means green light. It’s like a man-made pheromone.

WM2 : If they care enough to clear up after their dog, I bet they have clean sheets and spring clean a lot.  

WM1 : And most of the time it takes a while to suss this out. With dating sites you have the coffee, the walk in the woods, the evening drink – and only on the 3^rd date do you walk through their door and think “oh blimey, this was a mistake.” With a green badge on the dog’s collar, all the boxes are ticked.

WM2 : If  humans wore the badges then love could flourish where there are no dogs. If we were told that after a DNA test and a quick peep at the state of our kitchens, we’d get a green badge that would guarantee romantic success – they’d sell millions of tests. Even burglars would sign up for it.

WM1 : No badge, no love. No crime and no dog poos. I think the Green Party may have just found a road to electoral success.