I hereby give you 24 hours of notice of my arousal

A man in York has been ordered to notify police 24 hours in advance of sex, under a sexual risk order. The two weathermen looked at their diaries.

Weatherman 1 : Did you read about that chap who has to disclose to the police about any planned sexual activity?

Weatherman 2 : Yes. I wasn’t sure if it was okay if it was unplanned. Mine is never planned. If I told my wife I planned to have sex with her tomorrow night she’d arrange a night out with her friends.

WM1 :  It does seem to take some of the passion out of it.

WM2 : It’s onerous for the woman involved. The police want to know her name, address and age. And probably when she’s next free, if it’s that Oklahoma city cop asking.

WM1 : I rarely plan anything. My mate calls me up and says “fancy a beer tonight?”  and I say “yes.”  If he said “fancy a beer tomorrow night?”  the novelty isn’t there.

WM2 : But I do look forward to my holidays...that’s planned, although precisely what we get up to as a family isn’t. Some days we do kids things and other days grown up things.

WM1 : If he’s smooth talking, he might be able to convince the woman that it’s worth waiting 24 hours for. He could use similar persuasion – “we’ll start off with ice creams and progress to adult stuff.”

WM2 : If I said that to my wife she would ask to stop after the raspberry ripple. And there’s no way she will let me drip ice cream anywhere indoors except the kitchen.

WM1 : The sexual risk order comes up for review in May when magistrates can decide whether or not to extend it.

WM2 : What will they review?

 WM1 : I suppose a police report on how often he notified them. I’m not sure whether the number is significant though.

WM2:  If it was zero or two, they might class him as a danger to society because of his sexual frustrations. If it was one hundred, they might consider him to be obsessed and thus a risk to society. I can’t see it going well for him either way.

WM1 : I guess he could collect all the details of women he wants to ask, notify the police but say “I haven’t asked them yet.” A sort of self administered suspended sentence.

WM2 : It could just work for him you know. There will be women up in York interested to know who he is – and a curious woman tends to lower her defences a little. If I tell you can’t have something, don’t you want it all the more? Our kids do it all the time. If we tell them they can’t go to the cinema, we get nagged incessantly.

WM1 : So why do the police want 24 hours notice?

WM2 : It’s to check. “Good afternoon madam. Sorry to disturb you but we have heard you are going to have sex with Mr X tonight. Is this true? No – there’s probably nothing to be alarmed about, just a routine precaution. Please let us know when it’s all finished and complete this form for our records – just tick the appropriate box. Try not to tick rather not say.  ”

 WM1 : Shouldn’t she be the one taking the precautions?

WM2 : She intended to, but after that police visit ...

WM1 : ....I doubt if Mr. X will get through the front door. It will be barricaded and chained. That’s a 21^st century chastity belt they are strapping on him.

WM2 : It not a real one – at least he can sit down. But how he wriggles free from the clamp is a tricky one.

WM1 : It’s going to be like Morgan Freeman in the Shawshank Redemption; when he argued he was reformed the parole board kept stamping his file with a denied stamp. There’s no tunnel to dig or wall to jump over.

WM2 : If he takes up boat building on a beach somewhere it might take his mind off his ardour. Especially if he takes the bus to Scarborough; that easterly wind off the North Sea stops any thought of getting your kit off.