Seagulls in Conwy; what to do?

A seagull committee is being set up in Conwy to handle the scourge of swooping birds. The two weathermen put the bread crumbs back in their pockets.

Weatherman 1 : Did you read in Conwy in North Wales, there will be a special committee to look at Seagulls. They are a menace.

Weatherman 2 : Not just in Conwy. They are a menace everywhere.  The stupid public feed the pesky things. If you encourage a nuisance, it’s going to linger.

WM1 : David Cameron said a seagull pinched some ham off him once; he didn’t give the creature the ham.

WM2 : You can’t expect a seagull to discriminate between ham left lying on the ground and ham in David Cameron’s sandwich. I know he has body guards, but ham stealing birds don’t register as potential threats to our national security.

WM1 : And seaside towns  are full of food.  Ice cream parlours, fish and chip houses, pizza bars. Every day it’s a food party for gulls.

WM2 : So what can the committee do?

WM1 : Conwy want to introduce a bye-law to stop people feeding seagulls. That will make some difference. It’s a bit like the bans on dog fouling at beaches or littering. A stumbling block has been a clash with some religious festivals. They have rituals of bird feeing.

WM2 : Which religion?

WM1 : Orthodox Jews celebrate the Shabbat Shirah which is a Sabbath of singing. They can feed seagulls then in recognition of their help to Moses in the desert. He is said to have led the exodus of Israelites across the red sea, guided by birds.

WM2 Doesn’t it become the Sabbath of squarking? When is it?

WM1 : This year it was January 23^rd.

WM2 : So can’t they just say “okay it’s illegal every day EXCEPT January 23^rd?”

WM1 : The Sabbath shifts. Each year it seems to fall on a different day. You would need to be there with your bag of chips and a religious calendar.

WM2 : Seaside temperatures tend to remain more stable than temperatures inland, so I don’t suppose the gulls migrate much...but the tourists do. What are the chances of finding a Jewish family on the Quay at Conwy eating chips and invoking Moses as they toss a saveloy to a seagull in the middle of winter?

WM1 : Hmm, I see your point.  There’s the Tibetan practise of leaving human remains on a mountain top to be eaten by carrion birds. It underlines the transitory nature of life, apparently.  Maybe Conwy don’t want to upset Buddhists.

WM2 : It wouldn’t be Buddhists getting upset if the local undertaker starts doing that at the seaside. There would be uproar. Besides which, seaside towns are by definition at sea level – mountains don’t feature in seaside town topography.

WM1 : The RSPB say we have to reduce feeding opportunities.  If there is no food, then the birds will go elsewhere. Seaside towns endure a conflict between the local entrepreneur flogging food, and the bird’s harassment of visitors.

WM2 : And if you stop selling food,  the chip shop goes broke.  

WM1 : It’s legitimate for a resident to destroy eggs and nests if they are not happy about seagulls nesting on their houses. But no-one else can touch them. So until the RSPB change their view, or they make a visit to a seaside town a hungry experience, they are stuck with the pests.

WM2 : Maybe the key is to only serve food seagulls don’t like, but we do. What about curry?

WM1 : They love it. But someone on a website said they were averse to Hippopotamus.

WM2 : Is Hippopotamus indigenous to Conwy?

WM1 : No, but there’s a zoo close by – so the council could experiment with different food sorts.

WM2 : I thought the idea was to not feed them?

 WM1 : Not the birds, the tourists. By the time the council have emptied the zoo, they will have found a food source tourists like but the birds hate.

 WM2 : It will never work...they are here to stay.