BHS is finally selling something - itself

British Home Stores may be in administration, but lots of people want to buy it. The two weathermen went to the home furnishings department.

Weatherman 1 : I read the BHS is more popular than ever. People queuing up to buy it.

Weatherman 2 : Like who? Who wants to buy a failing business?

WM1 : Sports Direct are in the running.

WM2 : They’ve done well at selling bottom end sports gear. They have a good tactic. Pretend something should cost a lot, but then tell the customer you have slashed the price. The Recommended Retail price is baloney.

WM1 :  I saw one a pair of shoes, RRP £99, now down to £30. Who would ever have paid £99?

 WM2 : No one, and no one ever had to.  If I tell you an item is worth £1000 but you can have if for £10 – well it appeals to our greed and we go for it. Not sure how they use the tactic in BHS though.

WM1 : Maybe their tea and scones can be slashed in the cafe? Normally £8, but today only £2, because it’s yesterday’s scone. Wasn’t that a song? Ikea want some of it too.

WM2 : Flatpacks on the high street. We filled the roads with juggernauts bringing the stuff over from China or wherever they make it, and now we fill the high streets with people carting the stuff away. It’s bad enough negotiating a triple wardrobe in an Ikea car park. The thought of doing it on Barnet high street can’t be appealing for other footpath users.

WM1 : Edinburgh Woolen Mill are also keen. There’s a bit of a stampede.

WM2 : That will be the sheep. You don’t find much synthetic in EWM shops, I could have sworn I heard bleating coming from behind the counter when I was last there. Maybe the animals want larger grazing areas. EWM shops are so small I am surprised the RSPCA haven’t been called. BHS’ square footage should at last allow the lambs to spring about a bit. How much is it for sale for anyway?

WM1 : I don’t know...but it comes with a multi-million pension deficit so it’s a poisoned chalice. The Pension Fund regulator said it was £275 million in the red I think.

WM2 : It’s in The Green.  Philip Green. The most accomplished dairy farmer can’t milk as well as Green can. One of his property companies bought some BHS properties for £106 million and rented them back to BHS for £151 million. That’s before we consider the £422 million he paid out to shareholders...and guess which family had the most shares?

WM1 : BHS trustees have put forward a 23 year recovery plan to get their pension scheme back in the Black...I am not sure how much Green has to do with that.

WM2 : He withdrew all guarantees of underwriting the debts. It’s probably not very comforting to know your pension fund isn’t safe for 23 years – what if you don’t live to see it recover?

WM1 : There’s a Pension Protection Fund paid for by a levy on all UK pension funds which pays out when BHS defaults.

WM2 : So all of us, by paying extra into our pensions, help out BHS staff when they retire. Why don’t they just put a collecting tin on the counter?  Say it’s for charity....

WM1 : Since no-one shops there in any case, the tins will be rattle free. Shop loyalty has vanished, as indeed has patriotism. Not sure how much was British in BHS. There’s not much Scandinavian about Ikea.

WM2 : In the end we don’t care, all we really want are good products at affordable prices. Since no-one can find them, we compromise... and as long as we half believe it’s genuine, or from an exotic country or at a knock down price, it’s sold. That’s the reality slap.