How to issue warnings to Russian pilots

The Russians are upset because Turkey shot down one of their aeroplanes.  The two weathermen looked at warnings.

Weatherman  1 : That Russian pilot says no warning was given before he was hit by a Turkish missile.

Weatherman  2 :  And Turkey says it was.

WM1 : Who do you believe?

WM 2 : Well both sides will claim the moral high ground. Turkey issued a recording of a warning it claimed was issued. But it was in English.

WM1 : So a Turk gave a Russian pilot a warning in English.

WM2 : I heard it. There’s a couple of problems. Firstly the Turkish chap doesn’t speak very clearly. It’s not his first language is it? He should have spoken in his native tongue.

WM1 : But what if the Russian pilot doesn’t speak Turkish?

WM2 : I don’t think he spoke English either. If someone starts ranting at you in another country in a language you don’t understand, you just get the gist that there’s a rant going on. It’s not always clear what it’s about.

WM1 :  So is it clear that the Turkish pilot is warning him?

 WM2 : You would need to be Russian trying to listen to quickly spoken English to know the answer to that. The Turkish pilot was animated, but that could be misinterpreted by the Russian. The Spanish just say “give me” without any pleases, and no-one think it’s rude. Foreign languages are challenging.

WM1 :  Yes - the French melt all their words together into one long word,  Tu veux un café becomes Too van caffay which is hard for the English to understand.

WM2 : And I suppose sitting at a table in a cafe is a bit more relaxing than flying upside down at 500 mph.

WM1 : If I was upside down and got offered a van it might take me a moment to work out what was being said. The Turkish pilot might have been saying next time you come to Turkey, go to Yenikas, there’s good snorkelling to be had there.

WM2 : The Russians were only there for  17 seconds.

WM1 : Not time enough to go snorkelling then.

WM2 : Then there’s lots of crackle and distortion. The Turkish pilot might have only been a mile away, but it sounds like he was on the moon.

WM1 : You don’t expect Neil Armstrong to speak to you whilst flying over Turkey.

WM2 : So there was distortion, and a pilot speaking in a second language to another pilot who maybe didn’t speak any English at all – all at 500 mph and upside down whilst 3 miles up in the sky. It’s not an ideal way to communicate. There needs to be a better way to say what needs to be said.

WM1 : And it’s hard to know where one country finishes and another starts when you are on the ground, let alone in the sky. I once drove into Scotland without knowing it. Men with kilts and bagpipes didn’t suddenly emerge.

WM2 : They do when I am on holiday. Every time we stop in a lay-by some Scot leaps over a deer fence and starts chantering away.

WM1 : That would work. Play the Russian some Turkish Tulum music and he’ll know he’s crossed the border. If every pilot carried a recording of his ethnic folk music and played that to invading warplanes, the invaders would know where they are.

WM2 :  And let’s face it, the bagpipe is a deterrent.

WM1 : Or perhaps a visual warning is needed.

WM2 : Like what?

WM1 : When I was a kid at the circus, the clown would fire a gun and out would come a little flag with the word BANG on it. Maybe the Turks can develop an air-to-air missile that does that.

WM2 : So the Russians hear bagpipe music and see a flag on a missile saying PATLAMA. They are sure to alter course. Clowns and folk music make the world a safer place.

WM1 : Some would say there is a degree of truth in that.