Apprenticeships which are not worth doing

Ofsted has criticised apprenticeships, saying that their poor quality has devalued the brand. The two weathermen pondered the problem.

Weatherman  1 : Did you hear that we have too many apprentices? Sir Michael Wilshaw says some learners don't know they are on apprenticeship schemes.

Weatherman  2 : How is that possible? How can you not know what you are doing?

WM1 : It is the employer's fault. They get government funding to take on an apprentice and they don't mention the training bit to him. “okay son – stack all these bricks over there” and the luckless apprentice gets good at brick stacking.

WM 2 : He's probably been good at that since he was five when he had those little coloured wooden bricks. Childhood is an apprenticeship if you look at it from that perspective.

WM1 : Some unscrupulous employers have been accrediting coffee making.

WM 2 : Now that I approve of. I went to see my sister the other day and my nephew made me a cup of coffee. It was that instant stuff, the milk was on the turn and he used water straight out of the tap. Good coffee making is a skill we all need – and discernment about good ingredients.

WM1 : It's not his fault his mum has rubbish in the cupboard.

WM2 : She was never an apprentice so ignorance is her defence.

WM1 : But apprenticeships are supposed to be vocational and however you praise it, we only need so many coffee shops. Employers are taking the Mickey. It's the retail and service industries who are the big culprits. An HNC level 2 in trolley stacking isn't really vocational.

WM2 : How is it so easy to swizzle the system?

WM1 : Because everyone is on the make. You pay the boy a minimum wage so it's cheap labour, team him up with a local training provider who gets paid to show him what a coffee pot is, and pin on him a worthless accreditation offered by someone charged with awarding prizes. It relies on the inadequacy of the government to police the system.

WM2 : So I could offer training in haircuts for bald men or dentures for babies? It's farcical.

WM1 : Yes. Before the government shuts down the racket, we could get in and clean up. We could use our training at the met office to make a bit on the side.

WM2 : And train them to do what?

WM1 : Public speaking for a start. We can all speak with great authority about the low pressure system developing in the Atlantic. We could train them to look like they know what they are talking about, even if they don't. If you want to seem authoritative, you only need to know more than the people you are talking to....and if they know nothing, it's a doddle.

WM2 : And I suppose if we can convince the customer that our instant blend is chosen from the finest beans, or that well stacked bricks mean his house is built cheaper, then that's an apprenticeship in sales which is an asset.

WM1 : Absolutely; talk up what we should apologise for.

WM2 : Why doesn't the government apologise for the mishandled apprenticeships?

WM1 : They haven't trained any one convincing enough to do it yet.