On being summoned to a foreign office for a telling off

The British defence attaché in Moscow has been summoned by Russia. The two weathermen discussed “being told off.”

Weatherman 1 : We’ve been arming our fighter planes with an intent to shoot down Russian aircraft, according to Russia. They summoned the defence attaché and told him they weren’t happy.

Weatherman 2 : What did the attaché say?

WM1 :  He denied it. He said our pilots were friendly.

WM2 : Almost by definition, a fighter pilot isn’t going to be that.

WM1 :  The foreign office maintained that it was untrue. A malicious rumour gathering pace, they blamed the Daily Star – and the Russians for being daft enough to believe everything they read in that newspaper.

WM2 : It reminds me of school when the headmaster would summon you. “Did you call Dennis a twit?” And you would deny it, in the knowledge that if you lied you might get away with it – but if you confessed you’d get a detention.

WM1 :  Was Dennis a twit?

WM2 : I can’t remember. I didn’t like him so I was just being insulting, the way children are. And did we intend to shoot down Russian planes?

WM1 :  The Daily Star doesn’t like Russia so it was a bit of mischief making. But the British attaché used the opportunity to snipe at the Russians. He said we didn’t like them attacking people on our side in Syria.

WM2 : I should  have done that with the headmaster. “No I didn’t call Dennis a twit, and whilst I am here – what are you going to do about the smelly boy’s toilet?”

WM1 :  That would have been audacious. You would have got a detention for cheek. These days, a headmaster punishing a child for pointing out his loos are smelly would go viral; back then, no-one knew about such things.

WM2 : Those toilets were no secret; you could smell them at the school gate.

WM1 : The British pilots have been told to avoid airspace where the Russian jets are flying.

WM2 : It’s a curious idea airspace isn’t it? As if the Russians could draw a circle around a stratocumulus and say nyet vhoda or whatever keep out in Russian is.

WM1 : I wonder what form the attaché’s summons takes. Do you think he gets a card? And if you have to go to another embassy, do they serve you that country’s food?

WM2 : It’s hard to feel you are being told off if you’re getting served butterbrots and vodka at the same time. They probably make the attaché stand in the hallway and the Russian official wags a finger and shouts.

WM1 : Back in April we reprimanded the Argentineans in London and a few days later we in turn got a dressing down in Buenos Aires.

WM2 : A child can’t do that sort of tit for tat retaliation to his headmaster. I should have got my mum to write a letter. She could have officially denied the Dennis is a twit allegation on posh paper – and told him to leave me alone.

WM1 : It’s just a waste of paper. The head would make up his own mind.

WM2 : And so will Russia. No matter what we say, Russia won’t believe us. We don’t believe them either.

WM1 : So what’s the point?

WM2 : It’s symbolic. If I summon you AND tell the world I summoned you, then everyone knows you are summoned.

WM1 : So if we want to be taken seriously, we have to tell everybody to behave and mind their own business – or else its tea and scones and a wagged finger AND the whole world will know about it.

WM2 : No wonder we want to keep the bomb. Tea and scones isn’t anywhere near as scary as a holocaust.