Weather Man 1: Did you hear those boffins from Breakthrough are thinking of writing a message which introduces mankind to civilisations beyond our planet?
Weather Man 2: Yes. I wonder what is the essence of human kind greeting? What do you say to an alien from Mars?
WM1: Steady on, the term "alien" is pejorative, and they may be friendly. We have to greet them as "comrades" and "brothers" and be welcoming.
WM2: Like we are the refugees in Calais you mean? Why, if some people wish the Mediterranean Sea would swallow more refugees, should we welcome a Martian?
WM1: Well for one thing, he might offer us some employment. Maybe there's a big new bridge being built on his planet and they need labourers. And then that paranoia that aliens might live on benefits and steal our jobs would be allayed.
WM2: Yes maybe. Anyway….what would you say to this Martian, assuming we could digitally overcome the language barrier? What would he need to know?
WM1: Well I guess a photo of what we look like would be a start. One man, an alpha male and one woman, a blonde bombshell.
WM2: That would be misrepresentation because there's a lot of unfit flabby people around - and if he's advertising for labourers for his bridge, he'll be disappointed. You would need to have John and Mary Ordinary digitally bouncing around the planets.
WM1: Maybe they would need to understand about Darwin and evolution?
WM2: But we have evolved beyond Darwinianism. If Darwin's rules still applied John and Mary, and cities full of overweight people would be eaten by Alpha Male and Blonde Bombshell. We need to tell our Martian about Civilisation.
WM1: Okay so what is the essence of civilisation? In a nutshell…explain it to our distant friend.
WM2: Well maybe it's a forward thinking which enables mankind to construct concepts and edifices which will outlive the creator and realise great visions for the benefit of future generations. We'd have to miss out IS and Palmyra, but he'd get the idea.
WM1: I like that. But those guys at Breakthrough are unclear whether or not the message should be sent at all. You know how you used to post a letter and wish you hadn't …or these days you press "send" when you are pissed? Well there's a worry that we might have said the wrong thing, upset our distant friends and rattle their cages, so to speak. Some say we should not send it at all?
WM2: What would do with it then? We can't leave it on the mantelpiece for them to read lest they drop by…
WM1: Maybe we could…if we could agree where our mantelpiece is.
WM2: A global mantelpiece. Ummmm…would the Burj Khalifa qualify? It's the tallest building in the world.
WM1: It depends on how quickly they enter the atmosphere. They could be at sea level before they stop. And how will they see a little envelope from a billion miles away?
WM2: Okay - we hang a huge sign off a space station saying "envelope's on the mantelpiece - this way" with an arrow pointing down.
WM1: You know what? I think we should press "send."
WM2: Why?
WM1: Well it's difficult to hide the fact that the earth is infested with people who hate each other. If we lie, they might get peeved. Tell them the truth and they will leave us alone.
WM2: But we are people capable of loving - look at how many pet dogs and cats there are here? Maybe they will come out of curiosity for Rover and Tiddles?
WM1: Some countries eat their Rovers and Tiddles.
WM2: Okay. A succinct description of humankind then, that's what we need to send.
WM1: We are bastards - stay away.
WM2: Should be quite a short digital message then.
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