Cheating exhaust emission tests

Volkswagen is in trouble. It deceived US exhaust tests to make engine emissions appear less harmful than they really are. Our two weathermen were discussing it.

Weatherman 2: I’m worried about my VW.

Weatherman 1: Why? Is it unreliable?

WM2: No, but I think its re-sale value may have dipped because of the fuss in the United States. You read that Volkswagen is an emission cheat?

WM1: Oh yes I did. Very naughty.

WM2: Idiotic. One newspaper called it “the most expensive act of stupidity in the history of the car industry".

WM1: More stupid than the Mini estate?

WM2: Well that was just silly; a small car is a small car and Austin was trying to pretend it wasn’t. But VW has tried to make out their car is less harmful for the environment than it really is.

WM1: You do wonder what possessed them...I suppose you know if you have invested in a dud engine and it will cost a fortune to scrap it, cheating is cheaper.

WM2: Someone said to themselves, “my head will roll when my boss finds out I commissioned an engine capable of rendering all who walk behind it unconscious”. And he figured adding on a bit of software to circumnavigate tests would save his skin.

WM1: Did anyone collapse behind a VW?

WM2: Not to my knowledge. Not unless the VW driver reversed. But let’s be honest, it’s never pleasant near any exhaust.

WM1: It will cost them billions of dollars in fines, and probably more in lost reputation.

WM2: That’s why I wish I hadn’t bought a Volkswagen.

WM1: It’s not the first act of corporate cheating though. Surely nearly all advertising is a lie. No company is going to say “Coke rots you teeth” or “Chocolate makes you fat and ugly”. They are going to seduce you into buying it by association with something you do want to buy into – like sunshine, romance and wealth.

WM2: Well it was none of those when I got my car. It was just big and could fit lots of toys inside. The amount we take on holiday is astonishing. It took some negotiation to stop my wife trying to take the washing machine with us. I had to give way on the ironing board – you can’t go out for an evening meal in a less than well pressed dress, she maintains, even on holiday.

WM1: Well that’s why caravans exist isn’t it? People want to take their homes with them when they move around. They’ve probably got the pictures from the lounge on the caravan walls and a vacuum cleaner in the caravan closet.

WM2: Hoover didn’t lie about their vacuum cleaners, they just promised each purchaser a pair of return air tickets to the USA.  That will do it, they thought – and it did. The tickets cost more than the profit from the vacuum and they lost £48 million. This wasn’t a loss leader; it was a loss kamikaze pilot. They tried to wriggle, but were found out.

WM1: So what’s the lesson?

WM2: Don’t lie.

WM1: But if you tell the truth and no-one buys your product, what’s the business sense in that?

WM2: Well make something you don’t need to lie about then.

WM1: That’s unprofitable because the market isn’t fair. If I am honest and my competitor is not, I will drown in a sea of doubting fish that preferred to nibble on someone else’s bait. That it gave them indigestion is not the point – it’s too late. They aren’t coming back for a second nibble.

WM2: Hey, that’s a good name for a car – second nibble.

WM1: No it’s not.

WM2: Yes it is. Mercedes have a great chance to clean up in the US car market. “The Mercedes S class 2^nd nibble.” It’s got a ring of authenticity to it. I might buy one once I have flogged my VW.

WM1: But it sounds like it was Mercedes who got it wrong first time, and they didn’t . It was VW. It is Volkswagen that has to salvage their reputation, they need the new names.

WM2: I’ve got one – “The Polo Apology.” That will fly off the shelf.

WM1: “The Corrado Contrition” or “The Scirocco Sorry”.

WM2: “The Golf Absolve”.

WM1: Best of all – “The VW Vindication”. I like that one.

WM2: They are guilty, not vindicated.

WM1: What else can they do? They have to rely on people’s short memories and hope car buyers will think they missed something in the newspapers, and that Volkswagen were indeed vindicated.

WM2: That’s lying again.

WM1: Welcome to the commercial world.