When is a sport not a sport?

Sport England has defended its decision not to class the card game Bridge as a sport, ahead of a judicial review into the ruling.  The 2 chaps from the Met. Office were chatting about it.

Weatherman 2: So Bridge isn’t a sport, it’s a game. It’s official, according to Sport England.

Weatherman 1: One judge reckoned it was more active than rifle shooting.

WM2: On some levels it does fit the criteria.

WM1: What are the exact criteria?

WM2: A sport apparently needs to involve physical exertion, competition and a set of rules.

WM1: Well you can see why those miffed about it are citing Shooting as a bogus sport. The most physical thing they do is pull the trigger. On the other hand, climbing Everest needs a bit of exertion and has always been competitive.

WM2: I have the newspaper article here; it says sport needs to be healthy and safe according to the European Sports charter. So that is Everest out on the safety grounds.

WM1: Not sure Fencing or Shooting is safe either, but croquet is I suppose. Motor Racing is out. And Cricket is getting dangerous, despite the head gear.

WM2: It needs to be respectful of the environment.

WM1: That’s Motor Racing completely out then, disqualified on 2 counts – and Rallying.

WM2: Capable of fostering personal self-fulfilment.

WM1: That could include Drawing,  piano playing and Gardening....a long list fit into that category. And some of those can be done competitively. You can win a piano competition or grow a bigger marrow in your allotment. And if you are digging over your plot of garden and pulling weeds out, that’s a good dose of physical activity. We could have weeding competitions. How many can you pull out in 20 minutes?

WM2: You would need to fairly seed the plots with an equal number of weed seeds. Nature is too random to be trusted.

WM1: But it is very respectful of the environment. It wins on that one.

WM2: Sport needs to be available for children and young people, it says here.

WM1: Weeding would qualify – as would “how fast can you push a merry go round?”

WM2: And protective of human dignity.

WM1: Yet boxing is considered acceptable? Since when have pugilists respected the dignity of their opponents? They just want to smash their faces in.

WM2: Sport is against any kind of exploitation of those involved.

WM1: Well you can see why Fox Hunting is banned then, but we still whip horses as they gallop to the line. I guess they weren’t counting animals in those criteria. And as for the exploitation of the workers who built the football stadiums in Brazil for the World Cup. Some died of exhaustion, others were crushed or fell. They don’t count because they all died before the sportsmen arrived. Double standards or what?

WM2: It says here that sport can involve some sort of prevention – stopping your opponent from reaching their objective.

WM1: What about the stampede on Black Friday when there were tugs of war over TV screens, is that sport?

WM2: No, that was too ugly to be considered sport; it can also be about forming relationships though.

WM1: Can we include chatting up women? That’s competitive.

WM2: Depending on which women you pull, it may not be healthy and safe. So no, and you’re being silly now.

WM1: Rugby isn’t safe either. They are worried that the players are getting bigger and there are more head injuries. Some tri-athlete drowned the other week. Equestrians break legs and arms when they fall off horses.

WM2: One woman who plays Bridge here says "players still have to be physically fit. We can be playing up to nine hours a day.”

WM1: That’s quite an obsession isn’t it? Nine hours of bridge. I suppose if you are running flat out you can’t do it for nine hours. You would collapse after three or four.

WM2: Maybe the duration of the play is significant then? Especially if it’s got people watching...

WM1: The one hundred metres race is a very short sport; it’s over in nine seconds these days – not nine hours.

WM2: Except for that build up. The commentators seem to take ages introducing all those athletes who do practise starts out of the blocks, lift their knees up high, try to ignore one another as they take off their tracksuits...I get bored waiting. Last time I nipped out to put the kettle on and when I came back, it had finished. Really peeved.

WM1: Sport has become theatre in that instance.

WM2: It seems that whichever way we turn it; recognised sports don’t tick all the sport boxes. We go down the list and we say “well it’s a bit dangerous," or "it’s a bit about intimidation of your opponent," or there are grey areas on when a foul was committed.

WM1: Actually it only matters how you classify it when you want money. We are obsessed with funding criteria the globe over and sport is no different. If you just do it for fun, anything can be a game or a sport.

WM2: My children have one called “who can lick their ice cream the slowest before it melts”. It if drips onto your fingers you are disqualified and the first one to finish loses.

WM1: They have got it, the thing that the professionals seem to have lost.

WM2: Got what?

WM1: Children realise that the essence of this is fun. It’s a pretty easy formula.