Old Wine in Crimea

There is uproar in Crimea because Vladimir Putin and Silvio Berlusconi drank wine uncorked after 240 years. Our 2 weathermen were chatting about it.

Weather Man 1: Did you read that Putin and Berlusconi were drinking old wine in Crimea?

Weather Man 2: How old was it?

WM1: About 240 years apparently. It’s seen as a state crime and everyone is upset about it.

WM2: Probably because they didn’t get a sip. Who was responsible?

WM1: Well there was a head of the winery called Yanina Pavlenko who ordered its opening. But when Putin says “any chance of a slug?” – well you’re going to say “yes” lest he rolls in the tanks and says ALL the wine is now his. I feel sorry for her.

WM2: He’s not slow to show muscle, so you could have a point. And the thought of Russian T90 tank drivers doing wheelies around Crimea after a few bottles of centuries old wine raises an eyebrow.

WM1: I saw a picture taken in the winery of Putin and Pavlenko walking amongst the wine bottles. There were big fat yellow lines painted on the floor, as if they did drive machines down there.  Probably fork-lift trucks.

WM2: Crikey, you really wouldn’t want that job would you? If you get into trouble drinking a bottle, what happens if you drop a crate of the stuff?

WM1: The Ukrainian government are pressing embezzlement charges again the winery’s director.

WM2: It should be emguzzlement really.

WM1: Crimea are saying it was part of their heritage – there were only 5 bottles like it left.

WM2: Didn’t Russia annex Crimea?

WM1: I believe so. Putin got out a map and said “right, which countries close by have the best wine?” His general pointed to Crimea, and in they went.

WM2: I wonder what old wine tastes like?

WM1: Must be good because the last similar bottle fetched £32,000 in an auction back in 2001. The prosecutors said this one was worth £58,000.

WM2: What’s the point in spending that much? Are you going to drink it?

WM1: You save it for a special occasion, like the wife’s birthday.

WM2: I bet you don’t. I bet you procrastinate. When she says “it’s my birthday, do you think we could possibly...?” you would have to reply “no dear, we are saving it for a special birthday.” And she would argue that this one was special and you would have to say “no, one with a zero at the end,” or something.

WM1: And what happens when such a birthday finally arrives?

WM2: Try to get called away on a business meeting – anything to avoid uncorking it.

WM1: So why do you buy a bottle of wine to not drink it?

WM2: It’s all about deferred gratification. If you deny yourself a pleasure, it’s all the better when you get around to indulging yourself.

WM1: But generations of winery managers have died watching that bottle get old. They deferred their gratification beyond the grave.

WM2: Maybe they get their reward in heaven?

WM1: I wonder if heaven has a wine cellar.

WM2: If it did and reincarnation existed, no one would want to come back.

WM1: I don’t really buy into deferred gratification. It’s silly. Imagine having a car and not driving it because it’s old, or buying a TV and never turning it on.

WM2: Maybe the knowledge that you are resisting boosts your sense of self worth and appreciation? My kids must have a very low opinion of themselves – they start eating chips off the dinner plate before their mother has dished out the peas.

WM1: I have an old tin of tomatoes in the cupboard, must be 3 years old now. When my girlfriend’s birthday arrives, I will ceremoniously remove the lid.

WM2: That won’t  impress her. One thing you shouldn’t do on a woman’s birthday is take the piss.

WM1: What if I tell her it was old and thus valuable?

WM2: She will swap you for a saner boyfriend.

WM1: Why do things accrue value when they are old? We don’t – we get pensioned off and live out our old age in stuffy homes full of zimmer frames.

WM2: Maybe that’s preferable to lying on your side for 240 years.